Her Mirror Reflects

Image by Wendy Corniquet from Pixabay
Voiced by Samuel Rubadiri
 Eyes as dark as coffee beans,
 voice as sweet as sugar cane,
 skin as smooth as charcoal
 smeared along the canvas of my iris.
  
 She appears bold and strong,
 but bears the weight of her wig,
 which is as light as cotton,
 but as heavy as colonialism.
  
 She is a beautiful panther,
 but cheetah self by lion,
 lion to the mirror. 

The Escape from Loss

Image by Jonas Fehre from Pixabay
Voiced by Samuel Rubadiri
 Have you heard the Atlantic cry
 to the Mediterranean?
 Have you heard the ancestors
 weep and gnash teeth?
  
 Years afore, in the Atlantic core
 bodies passed down the Middle 
 Passage. The undercurrent had
 cast seaweed nets on their 
 corpses, and mourned the loss.
  
 Only the moss's prayers bubbled up
 in deep blue spirituals,
 calling Justice in the ocean 
 to wake and storm
 and rise up 
 that their spirits might find refuge.
  
 Yet the waves were deaf.
 Their firm foam claws
 clasped onto the deck
 cutting away at both clansmen 
 and slavers on colonel’s fleet. 
 But the loss was truth
 whitewashed along with
 gold and negro cargo.
  
 So much was lost that one
 can never recount the countless
 loss. But I am at a loss
 when I see Africans cross
 the Mediterranean Sea as free
 -men escaping the loss of 
 their country, the loss that is 
 poverty.
  
 Freemen, who flee, return to a slavery.
 At Libya’s coast, the slaver roasts
 the Negros back, the smuggler leeches
 the Negros bank. They strip 
 them of rights and liberty, then
 ship them to laryngospasm
 “Italy” 
 to a blind sky and deaf sea
 along with the Syrian 
 as a pill in the mouth of the horizon.
  
 Have you heard the Atlantic cry
 to the Mediterranean?
 Have you heard the ancestors
 weep and gnash teeth
  
 to see their children
 swallowed at sea,
 begging the European 
 to be free?

My Testament

Image by Yerson Retamal from Pixabay
 If I should die before my time,
 Do not moan this travesty as “short-lived.”
 If these words should find you and touch you
 Like Elisha’s anointing, embrace my spirit.
 Ink your pen with our tears; let its salt
 Overwrite the eclipsed pages of my diary.
 Continue my words, this writing curse.
 Consecrate the dirt of my ashes as “Justice.”
 Promise me that you’ll “live twice-over” by
 Enlisting us holy dead. Mourn not
 That Time forgets us, as Death desires.
 We are survived in your life’s poetry.
  
 Can you not hear us in thunder’s voice?
 We are the life of each line. 

A Day in my Mother’s House

Voiced by Samuel Rubadiri
 The sun creeps in through my red curtains
 dying my room pink. A womb.
 The indigo carpet soaks the sunlight
 warming my room. Incubator.
  
 Despite the shade of the fern out front
 and thickness of the drapes. Heat leaks in.
 I awake to the sound of a dove’s coo, 
 a dog’s howl, a cockerel’s crow. Morning. 
  
 I switch sides to face the pink wall,
 but the heat is under my sheets. A heat wave.
 I give up and get up and make
 an English breakfast. And a cup of tea. 
  
 The smell of fat from bacon and bangers
 creeps into my mother’s and sister’s room. Hunger.
 The artic of air-conditioning welcomes
 the warmth of soul food. Doors open.
  
 Alarm is switched off, coffee put on.
 We gather in the kitchen. Family.
 “Go ko.” Maids arrive in horror - the kitchen.
 They sing from high to low. A household. 
  
 Our house makes music in the chatter of life. 
 The cutlery against the crockery. Foreground.
 Hot water fills the sink. Bubbles erupt. Dishes
 drop. The maids sing from low to high. Background.
  
 Our voices chattering and maids’ singing
 is interrupted by two furry animals. Meow!
 The cats want some soul food, but settle
 for Ecco. The can opens. Splosh.
  
 We drop our dirty dishes in the sink.
 My palate is satisfied with the salty food. Thirst.
 They finish their coffee as I finish my tea.
 My bare feet notice the heat leak in. “Samuel.”
  
 The singing stops but the Setswana starts.
 “Wareng?” and other words greet me. “Ga ke tse”
 They know I do not know the local tongue.
 It’s not on my mother’s tongue. I’m an Anglophone. 
  
 So I hide in my mother’s garden. I brush
 my hand along the sprigs. Mint, basil, lavender and thyme.
 How much time keeps passing? The house looked
 so different – so much bigger when I was younger. Nostalgia.
  
 I used to plant red kidney beans and chillies.
 Everyday before school, I’d water them. Gardening.
 But then I remember the day of the bird. It came, 
 And ate all my sprouts. The sun enjoyed leftovers. 
  
 It burped a heat wave that withered my endeavour.
 So I gave up gardening. Go inside.
 Playstation became my pastime as did
 painting and drawing and writing. Poetry. 
  
 With sprig-like vocabulary, I tried my hand 
 at rhyme. I believed in its origin. Love unrequited.
  Is a crush ever really love, or is it the seed of possibility?
 How fond I was, how torn I was of what love was. Dogs lick me. 
  
 Nostalgia shatters like glass on a VCR player.
 Rewind, play, fast forward, pause. Thyme.
 It interrupts my musing in its smelling
 like the lamb chops it’ll be harvested for. Lunch. 
  
 Midday sun strikes like a sjambok on the back.
 The dogs beg for a good patting. Buzz!
 Pollen interrupts the grooming. A big bug
 hums to the herbs where I’m seated. Ahh!
  
 Pouting. The dogs pout about the abrupt end
 -ing to their petting. I run from the beetle. Inside.
 I go back into the house. By now the light
 of day and floods of warmth saturate the house. Sweat.
  
 Everyone is sweating. Even the pan
 in which the lamb fat sizzles. I’m thirsty.
 As I pour my glass, I hear the maids
 gossip in Setswana. They laugh. 
  
 They translate, and the story falls flat.
 I care not for ‘worthy is the lamb that was slain’. Grace!
 I rejoice in the feast that is free meat. 
 Flies decide. “God made us too.” They swarm.
  
 It is lunchtime, their lunch, my lunch.
 Our lunch; I defend its purity. “Beelzebub!”
 They respond in spirals like vultures a carcass.
 In the name of DOOM, I purge the darkness. Amen.
  
 The landline rings. A visitor will be over
 in half an hour. I’m excited. Stoked.
 I take out the braai stand, charcoal, blitz.
 I spice the meats and messages. “Come on over.
  
 A braai tonight.” A spontaneous
 gathering of the squad. Land.
 Roy arrives punctually, unlike the squad.
 I expect them to come at the African hour. +2hrs.
  
 We chat and catch up like the fire
 that catches the twigs. It’s been a while. Reunion.
 My mother goes for groceries to cater, and
 my sister goes to her bedroom. Dress up.
  
 Smoke floods the heavens as our laughter
 pushes it upward. Roy draws in the smoke. Germany.
 He asks of all areas of my life – emotional,
 spiritual, relational. He switches up. Philosophical.
  
 Much like how a cooler box needs drinks; I offload
 my cool drinks. A car rolls onto the driveway. Aunty.
 I open the gate; she opens the car’s door. I place
 her white wine in the fridge. The maids grieve. Ijo.
  
 Mess. A mess shall greet them in the morrow.
 Knock off. They complain at my tardiness. “Tsmaya sentle.”
 We wave them off. The cats return from their roaming.
 My phone rings. It’s the squad. “What do we bring?”
  
 The sun starts to set. The surviving flies retreat;
 the unbearable heat goes with them. “Booze!”
 I answer. I slide Roy a glass of red grape juice.
 We wait for the fire to recline into the coals. HOOT!
  
 My mother is back. “Tlho nthuse” she calls
 with a very English pronunciation. Doors open.
 My sister is dressed up, the groceries too.
 We unpack my mother’s car. Tap, tap, tap.
  
 The dog’s uncut nails tap the tiles in excitement.
 They smell, not the smoke, but the packaged groceries. Meat.
 Roy meets my mother with a formal handshake.
 She shakes the shopping bag into his hand. Laughter.
  
 The heavens are now pink. The sun crouches 
 behind my neighbour’s house. Bats flutter. 
 We carry everything inside. The routine begins
 as taught to me by my father. A decade ago.
  
 Saturday mornings. He’d start the sound
 system. Played soul music. I forget.
 Was it Stevie Wonder or Luther Vandross?
 Was it Babyface or James Brown? Blue memories. 
  
 He’d wake me up at 6am, teach me
 about the perfect age of coal to braai. Medium.
 We'd marinate the steaks: T-bone, filet
 rump and rib-eye. I’d smile. Bonding.
  
 All those years ago, a foundation was
 built for the charity of friendship. A braai.
 For those I love, in the age of coals, I gladly
 blacken my hands and brown my fingers. Love.
  
 An act illustrated not in mouthfuls voiced in a
 sounds’ meaning. Love is illustrated in acts. Picturesque.
 You can see it, smell it, taste it, become it.
 It’s the glow of coals, the bleeding of meat. Wait.
  
 Roy takes the tray of raw meats and, 
 with tongs, lays them on the grill. That’s love.
 It waits, works and partners with. The Greeks
 were brighter than the English. It’s called Philios. 
  
 I wipe the sweat of fire from my brow. The sun
 has vanished, but the lamps switch on. Headlights flash.
 We can see the browning of the meat. I leave
 Roy at the fire while I open the gate. Trust, it’s the squad.
  
 The air is swamped with the smell of grilling meat.
 Chicken, beef and lamb. Swine is for the European. Jokes. 
 We laugh at how late they arrive with the booze.
 Some panic at the dogs, others the cats. Superstition.
  
 Our house DJ TiiMoneey plugs in the music.
 Hip-hop. My mother and aunt drink in the longue. Fellowship.
 The sounds of the outside are replaced by
 young artists who paint the star-lit sky in words. Rap. 
  
 They rap. I wrap up the cooked meat that
 the dogs and cats don’t steal. Headlights flash. 
 Another car arrives. It’s my sister’s squad. 
 They’re dressed up, greet us, leave us. Phenyo asks.
  
 “Where are they going?” Roy and Tiisetso
 are dropping bars like the US bars youngins. 
 “In her room, where else?” I answer. He lifts
 his Black Label. “Nigga, we should all vibe together.” Life.
  
 Isn’t it so, the man be hustling outside to be
 locked up in a cell? Isn’t it so, women run the house? Heroines. 
 Even if we’re an Atlantic away, a history away, we
 watch how the Free World treat our kind. Racism. 
  
 Pimz, our US scholar, testifies. We indeed
 live in a black and white dichotomy. J Cole plays.
 “We should all be together,” Pimz says. I tell
 Roy to man the fire while I go in. After unity.
  
 I find my sister and her squad complaining about the US.
 Why does the world centre them so much? No Role Modelz.
 “Sam, you’re a Poli-Sci major, what do you say?
 Why do us Africans seek refuge there? In the American dream." 
  
 I tell them, Trump reflects the American will, an
 old will, one they refuse to change. Revolution.
 I invite them out. “Foods almost ready and 
 drinks are nicely chilled”. A turquoise vibe.
  
 They soon follow, brown and beautiful.
 My mind is here, in my mother’s house. This day.
 The women and men around me, geniuses, but
 the Free World, as a harlot, entices us. Brain drain.
  
 The dogs beg at our feet. The coals have
 nearly died. We reek of smoke and booze. Music switches.
 The squads tag team to freestyle and drop
 bars, and they land. Bars of truth, of struggle. Diaspora.
  
 We live in two worlds - a rope in a game of tug of war.
 Worlds pull us apart, if not physically, then emotionally. Or in spirit.
 Have you seen staunch Christians come home vehement atheists?
 Or the disgust to customs once cherished. Backward.
  
 The meal is ready; I collect plates. Everyone
 dishes up, each the amount of soul lost. Abroad.
 You can’t eat like this there. Home food is way better.
 We know how to cook. Love flavours the food. I smile. 
  
 They indulge in the culture of spice that wakes homesickness.
 Even if for a season’s rest, Western unis still pull the rope. Swallow.
 I enjoy my own plate and the praises of friends. 
 My mother is happy at the amount of leftovers. “Shoo cats!”
  
 Those felines try to steal. We laugh at how they scatter.
 It is home, maybe not for all of us, not forever. Thankful.
 My mother lives, and I take joy in these days.
 She looks at us with her white wine. Speech.
  
 “Come back home, to your God, to your
 country. Come back and build up and indulge
 - these riches of our land, the soil that fattens
 these mouths, cannot remain a blessing if its children go too.” 

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Lake Venus

They say that Lake Venus is the most beautiful in all the land. In summer, it provides the beaming sun with a surface to waltz upon. As the sun changes its axis and each sunbeam gently flows to the music of the breeze through the trees, the dormant fairies wake and begin to dance to the tune.

“Legato crescendos in D Major! Oh, what a sound—what a sight!” my father would tell me in my childhood. “Not even the winter’s chill could freeze it. Although the skies be grey and trees bare, the Lake itself would still glow a melancholy blue. A rich navy blue indeed!”

 Impressionable I was as a boy, and I began to long for it. To see this Lake with my own eyes, quench my thirst and… dare I go on?… submerge myself in its waters. Would it be as father told me? Or did his command of the language lack the finesse to express what he saw? At the time, perhaps my own vocabulary was still too limited to appreciate the richness of his description.

 Time went on. As I grew older, I recall one occasion when I confided in my father about my dream to leap into those waters. Alas, I was met with a stern rebuke. Like any father would his son, he warned me dearly to be cautious. With his deep, calm voice – the kind that silences the room, for the authority it carries prompts such adjustments – he said,

“Boy, until your heart is known and you’ve worked your field, wander not to the Lake of Venus. For blind ambition and a foreign heart corrupt one’s nature before a journey’s start.”

Confused by his words, I asked for an interpretation, but he would not give me one. But I kept the matter in mind.

As I grew in competency and conversed with friends, we reminisced about the story of the Lake we’d heard so much about. It was an old legend that ran deep in each man’s heart. In fact, superstition wrapped itself around the legend, and faithful followers became wild fanatics, spiritualising the Lake. However, some trees lose their leaves in winter while other’s leaves remain. So it was with our discussions: some of us still believed in the Lake and hoped to someday find it, while others rejected the idea outright, calling it a childish folktale.

One day, a friend came in and boasted that he’d found the Lake.“Folks!” he announced. “I have been to Lake Venus. Oh Lord, words cannot describe the things I saw!”Arm in arm, we erupted in an emotional cheer to hear of its discovery. Thomas shared his tale:

“During my travels, I walked through a desert deep in the south. The sun scorched me ever so severely that my vibrant mud-like skin turned to brittle clay. I became faint and desperate. The sand dunes I traversed were never-ending. I told myself, ‘If this next dune   is like all the others, I’ll return to the dust, and men shall forget my name’. But lo… down below… a Lake, I say, a Lake! I hobbled towards it with the last of my strength. Even faced with the possibility it might only be a mirage, I did not care. And neither did she—“

“She?” we echoed.

“What? Who lives in a desert?” I cried.

Our uproar was that of stampeding elephants. We had to hold José and Paul back. With their mighty tusks of outrage, they were seconds away from stampeding Thomas.

“Sacrilege!” Paul roared.

“You think you’s funny, huh? Boy, I’ll slap your head off!” said José.

The rest of us formed a protective wall around Thomas.

“Hear him out! He’s not finished.”

“My, oh my – please do me no harm. Truly, truly, I speak! At first, I thought it a mirage, a wild imagining. Such is typical given those circumstances, but wrong was I. The moment I saw her smile, peace paralyzed my body, and I lost consciousness. Moments later, a cool sensation filled the gaps in the cracked clay of my skin. Glory! Like barren earth opening its dry heart to rainfall, so too my skin invited the Lake’s water. Rejuvenating! Soon, I had the strength to reopen my eyes and behold whose lap I rested on… The spirit of the Lake itself, Venus, gently gazed into my feeble soul with deep love. My limp mouth formed words of gratitude, but she softly hushed me. When I’d regained my strength, she held me by the arm and pointed at the water. More confused than ever, I tried to speak with her, but she acted mute, insisting with her gestures that I swim. From that point onward, everything else was a blur. A part of me felt like I’d lost something.”

After Thomas told his tale, in all the excitement, I wanted to run out and find the Lake. My mother said I’d see it in time, and sure enough, I did. I found a lake, but was it the Lake? For I traversed through no desert as Thomas had, but a city. My fear of water let me go no further in than knee-deep. It felt good, but the chill in the water frightened my heart. As I stared into my reflection on its surface, I saw another’s face. She was sad. Her sadness was not uncommon. I knew her pain. It was no stranger to me, for it had once been my own. So I began to draw in the water with my finger. I gave her a smile and cleared away the tears that hung like morning dew. I was her sunshine, making the waters she was drowning into evaporate by my presence.

Blop! Blop! Blop! The water bubbled up, and a damsel latched onto me. Immense pleasure filled my heart, but I was confused too. What do I do? She knew, I guessed, since she dragged me waist deep into the water and pointed down below. “Did you know that there’s a shrine at the bottom of this lake?” I asked her. She ignored my question and gestured, in a way I made out to mean, “Let’s go down there”. But that water’s chill, my inability to swim and another, unknown fear made me decline. She persisted only to let up and let go, and behold… I was suddenly back at home. “All a dream,” I lied to myself. “A dream.”

 But her touch and the sight of her haunted me, and even more I still longed to submerge myself again in her waters. She was an apparition of divine beauty, a vixen plaguing my heart’s desire. But I was never alone with her, for my father’s words began to resound like a gong of chastity:

“Boy, until your heart is known and you’ve worked your field, wander not to the Lake of Venus. For blind ambition and a foreign heart corrupt one’s nature before a journey’s start.”

With each voyage I took, Venus appeared at different lakes, and yet I kept her in the distance to respect my father’s wishes. Rain gushed from my eyes in doing so, and those tears turned to fabrications. Those nymphs became my goddesses, and I turned into a reverent worshiper, both loving and fearing them. I wanted to live for them. Thus, I mastered the arts of lyric and music, so that I might summon a deity for a moment. I’d never swim out to them, but I’d appeased them like ducks in a pond waiting to be fed. Soon, I was fed up. But my father’s words like an acorn, encased me, for I was within the seed.

 I decided to live by his words by lessening my fixation on that Lake. His words seemed to straighten my path, for outside of them, I knew nothing but wild youthful longings. My heart, I reckoned, was deceitful. Thus, I turned to Nature’s instruction, for Time had whispered that the trees bear all wisdom and truth. And I, yearning both to comprehend and command my heart, sought scholarship under their branches of instruction. The land showed me much: that the tree was once a seed, and that the grain inside its shell has to die that it might sprout. The resulting fragile shoot is green. With time it grows, its roots dig deeper, and its leaves attempt to reach the sun. But what the teaching emphasised was how danger lurks all around in creeks and crevices, so the shoot must grow in order to guard itself. The green shoot, vibrant in health and manner, browns and wrinkles into wearing a rough exterior. It matures. Its bark, though coarse and displeasing to the eye, is a means to protect its tender core.

Marvellous was the instruction that came from the Earth, but as it continued, I felt a painful growth in my reasoning. Not much different from the seed. As a naive scholar, I tried my reason to interpret these lessons: The sun is Glory, and our minds the transformative seed. The dangers are winds and weeds, and they represent wonder and worry. They tempt and sway our whimsical ways of living our lives. I also theorised the following in conjecture to Nature’s cycle: the depth of our roots, the breadth of our stem and our access to sunlight determines the quality of life. However, the question that remained is what fruit will we bear? What kind of tree are we, or should we become? Then again, that unknowable ache might be something else. Something less abstruse, buried deep in the earth. A single lie.

Time passed. I imagined myself being a little sprout having just surfaced the earth. The folks I met along the way seemed to speak of my transition. I was moving ahead, out of the ground. Breathing fresh air. That’s how I’d liked to picture myself. But the Lake is no fool. It sees all. My subconscious desire led me towards it again. My father’s words echoed once more, only to be silenced by me this time. Maybe it was my overwhelming curiosity that whistled like wind through trees. Perhaps it was the exquisite beauty of fairies skipping across the Lake to the glare of the sun. Maybe it was the lure of the scent, which filled my nostrils with desire. Or perhaps father was simply wrong. This time, as the maiden appeared out of the water, she saw right through me, and a sense of unknowable shame filled my heart. Honesty dwelled in the water; a reflection I’d suppressed. No amounts of algae or reeds could screen the rocks of rage I had been hiding. As she took a twig and made motions with it in the water, a reflection of a seed falling from a tree came into view. Soon buried in the dirt, it began to bulge inside, and a tiny green shoot revealed itself. I realised what I saw: it was the source of my shame and anger. All was made clear. I had never really grasped Nature’s lesson; my theory was proved erroneous.

I am the seed of my parents’ tree! The precepts I lived according to – the words that constantly echoed – were only the protective casing. They enclosed me that I might, when the hour was right, break forth into my own reality. All this time, the resounding gong of my father’s words that echoed,

“Boy, until your heart is known and you’ve worked your field, wander not to the Lake of Venus. For blind ambition and a foreign heart corrupt one’s nature before a journey’s start”

implied that I was still inside that shell, inside their seed. No voice of my own, but the voice of another. No thoughts of my own, but the thoughts of another. The death of the seed was no metaphor: it was real, a death unthinkable to me. Letting go. Those words were his truth, one I’d inherited to nurture me. Yet I had to leave it behind and become my own person, not just the fruit of another, likening their image. The pain of this realization was that of an erupting volcano, making the Earth aware of my seething rage and hurt suppressed deep within me. My world inside the seed was fading because I was outgrowing it. The Unknown was soon to be a life-long acquaintance. The shoot aimed at the sun, in my new interpretation, was not the rise for Glory, but rather for self-enlightenment.

I took the liberty of doing the unthinkable: I went against my father’s will, the will that rang on and on in my head:

“Boy, until your heart is known and you’ve worked your field, wander not to the Lake of Venus. For blind ambition and a foreign heart corrupt one’s nature before a journey’s start.”

And of my own volition, I dived into Lake Venus with a mighty pounce.

Splash!

I assure you; this was no knee-deep tiptoe, distant damsel-praising phenomena as in years afore. I sunk in. There was no more lying or conniving to myself. The dive was violent, and yet its splash was gentle. She was waiting for me. Ready to ease the burn marks left by the sun’s rays and my volcanic rage. Although shaken, Venus was all the same benevolent. Eventually, I surfaced with her help.

Gasp!

It was pleasant, but not as the legend held it, for the fabrication faded. The gong of my father’s words drowned in the open floodgate of my awakening, and with it came my first proverb:

“Young man, inexperience is inescapable, and fear foreshadows all novel undertakings; therefore boldly break forth into the Unknown, mindful of all consequences.”

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